11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

A good friend of mine emailed this to me…. it’ s too funny:)

Lesson 1
Go to the grocery store.

Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home.

Pick up the paper.

Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
Methods of discipline.

Lack of patience.

Appallingly low tolerance levels.

Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.

At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

Set the alarm for 3AM.

As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

Go to bed at 2:45AM.

Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

Then rub them on the clean walls.

Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

originally written by: Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 7:24am

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Twin Moms are Freaks of Nature

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Dumb things strangers say….

I was at London Drugs the other day (for my USA friends that is kind of like Walgreens) picking up a cable for our DVD. (Our DVD player broke which meant that Baby Eisenstein could not be turned on… a MAJOR problem at our house that needed immediate fixing)

The choices of cables were from $50 to $200 and I ended up asking a salesman to explain the differences so that I could make my choice. Essentially there is not a huge difference in cables so I settled on a $60 cable and the salesman brought it up to the till for me. We were chatting about family, and how he has 6 children and then he turned to me and asked “So, when are you due?”

I stopped mid sentence and while my cheeks went bright red, my mouth was hanging open… finally I said ” Actually, I am not pregnant…but I DID just have twins a year ago….”

“A year ago?” He asks. “What is the date exactly?”

I told him “December 30th”

He said”Oh, that really is a year ago isn’t? Well I guess it takes a while to work all that off….”

WHAT???????!!!!!!!!!!

I was honestly SHOCKED! What do I say at this point?

This was one of those moments that I will relive over and over in my mind, each time coming up with snarlier and more clever remarks that will sting the salesman and leave him feeling like a crushed blade of grass…

Unfortunately, the reality is; I self consciously took my $60 purchase from the salesman and left the store.

When I got home I immediately did 2 things:

  1. I called my BFF and My hubs and told them both the whole story. Both agreed the salesman is an idiot.
  2. I burned the shirt I was wearing since it apparently makes me look pregnant.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What are some of the stupid things strangers have said to you about being pregnant or losing your baby weight?

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The Stupidest Thing My Hubby has Ever Said.

A couple of weeks ago at about 3 in the afternoon I called my husband to ask what time he would be coming home from work. He is normally home around 4:30 but sometimes he slips out early and is home by 4:00. Turns out he was going to come home early and I asked him to pick up a BIG bottle of wine on the way home. (It was one of those days where I could hardly wait to put the babies to bed :P )

When the hubs got home he was greeted with a pile of dishes in the sink, two cookie faced monsters babies, Baby Einstein blaring on the TV and no dinner ready. He looked around and asked me “What have you been DOING all day anyway?”

I am fairly certain that I don’t need to go into details as to what happened next. Lets just say he won’t dare ask that question EVER again.

So now it’s your turn… what is the stupidest thing your husband has ever said?

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Why Having Twins is better than Singles

I have compiled a list of why I think having twins is better than just having one child – or one child at a time. I could only think of 7 reasons, but I would LOVE to hear more. If you have more to add, please do so in the comments section below. Can’t wait to hear what you all have to say!

  1. Because BOTH your right and left arms will be buff and muscular.
  2. Because you never really wanted six pack abs anyway.
  3. Because there is no way your husband will feel neglected with all the time you spend with the baby since he gets one too!
  4. Because if you ever want to feel elevated, join a conversation of parents complaining about their kids and tell them you have twins. Guaranteed they will be in awe of you.
  5. Because you were probably going to have another baby anyway….
  6. Because retiring early is over rated – along with quiet time, couple time and “me” time.
  7. Because you never really liked your furniture, carpet, tile, hardwood floors or cabinets anyway.
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Mompetition: Why I can’t make mom friends

A friend of mine sent me this vid – I laughed and had to share. Let me know which part of the video resonates the most for you. Mine is the “I have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a 1 year old, so it’s just like having twins” I am fairly certain that all the multiple mamas reading this have heard that before. Which part of the video did you relate to the most?

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Why the diaper companies are laughing all the way to the bank…

Last night I attended a local twin meeting (Fraser Valley Multiples) and was lucky enough to participate in a grocery savings workshop held by the Abbotsford Coupon Lady. While I won’t go into detail about all the savings ideas that she shared with us (up to 75% of your bill – you can check out her site at www.abbotsfordcouponlady.com) what I wanted to tell you is why I think the diaper companies are laughing at us all the way to the bank.

My brand of choice is Pampers. I have twins so I buy in multiples. I do my best to buy diapers on sale. Buying diapers on sale is THE ONLY WAY TO GO!!!! The regular price of a big box of diapers is $40. The sale price is $20. Add in a couple of coupons (I have a stack of $3 off coupons and now the diapers I buy are $17 per box.  This is a savings of $23 PER BOX! If I buy these diapers at regular price ($40) I am fairly certain the diaper companies must be laughing at me all the way to the bank!

What REALLY gets me, is how they can rip me off sit back and charge $40 per box on a regular basis, but every 5 or 6 weeks be willing to drop their price by more than 50%???

So this got me thinking what other baby / children’s products am I paying too much for????? What money saving techniques do you use in your family? Please share your ideas in the comment section below.

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What strangers ask that really pisses me off…

Being  a mom of twins has given me a bit of “celebrity” status up here in Canada. Strangers who normally mind their own business and go about their day have been seen RUNNING over to me to ask about / look at my twins.

Most of them smile and tell me how cute my peeps are, but more often than not, there is ONE looming question that they just can’t stop themselves from asking.  So here it is, the big question that REALLY pisses me off:

“Are you breastfeeding?”

Come on people? Am I asking you about what your doing with your breasts? Or your penis for that matter? (Yes – strange MEN stop me and ask me if I am breastfeeding – isn’t that weird? creepy? inappropriate?) I wonder if these same strange men would ask my husband “So, did you circumcise your son? Are you circumcised?”

Even though it really pisses me off, I have done my best to answer politely (and honestly) that yes I did both: breast feeding & bottle feeding. So now it’s my turn to ask you…

What personal questions about your kids (or about your parenting) have strangers asked  that really piss you off? I can’t wait to read your comments :)

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If you knew then, what you know now, what would you have purchased? What would you have omitted?

Ok, so I am only 9 months into this, but I already have some regrets on purchases made. The major one? TWO Petunia Picklebottom Bags. – yes two! One for me and one for the hubs. First off the hubs has NEVER used his bag. It is still sitting in the closet with tags on. Secondly as cool as my designer diaper bag is, it is not practical. Had I known that it is (nearly) impossible to look chic and cool when out and about with twins, I would have saved my money.

What are the flaws in the diaper bag you ask?

  • No cooler area to store bottles / snacks
  • No mommy area to store keys, wallet, phone
  • No back pocket to stuff miscellaneous things
  • No “removable” small pouch so that when you don’t need the whole bag you can just grab a couple of diapers & wipes.

All in all it was an expensive and unpractical purchase. What about you? If you knew then, what you know now, what would you have purchased? What would you have omitted? Would love to hear your comments!

PS: Here’s the hubs bag. Is anyone interested in purchasing it? Seriously.

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10 reasons I would Consider Homeschooling My Twins

Apparently this is somewhat of a controversial issue. I posted a question on facebook, wondering who would homeschool and who wouldn’t? Not one of my friends dared reply! I have been looking at my beautiful babies all day and  thinking a lot about homeschooling… What type of parent does it take to homeschool? What type of person will the child become? Kindly share your thoughts… :) (Would love to hear ideas “for” and “against” it.)

Here are 10 reasons why I am considering it

  1. Keeps away the bullies
  2. They can learn at their own pace
  3. Our family will be free to travel
  4. Not everybody excels at learning in a classroom environment
  5. I get to be a big part of my kids lives
  6. I can concentrate on areas where they may need extra help
  7. I can shelter them from negative influences / growing up too fast
  8. The public school systems are too crowded and teachers are unable to spend the time and energy needed for each child – I can be sure that my child is not getting “lost in the shuffle”
  9. Everyday (included Weekends & Holidays) is a day for learning
  10. Our family values can be upheld and honored.
    (Ok, #10 sounds really religious – but we are far from it! What I mean is that while I was growing up my parents never considered family to be important – I want the opposite for my children. I really want them to grow up learning that next to health, family is the most important thing and should always be nurtured and respected )

*******UPDATE******
I got a lot of great replies on facebook and have requested all my friends to copy & post their comments on this blog…

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